Greetings, you small mammal cat ring lover! Smudge the gigantic fire-spitting mythological flying reptile here with another stab at creative writing!
I’m on Lesson 54 of my Interweb Creative Writing for Profit Course, and this week, my Guest Professor, Truman Bradley, has instructed me to create a 750 word film noir treatment. If you see any mistakes, relax. I figure I’ll have my cousin Torch clean it up later. She’s good with spelling and grammar and stuff. I just want to sketch out my blockbuster cat ring concept for now.
The Cat Ring Caper
SCENE 43 (long shot with a cheap black and white camera)
EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT WITH FOG AND CRICKETS
Roscoe Gaff, PI, wasn’t surprised to see the shadowy female figure emerge from the back-alley exit of the Senator Sturmond Drang office tower in downtown Cyberopolis clutching a violin case that was obviously full of cat jewelry.
He’d been following Pia Flemm for over a week, and now he’d caught the mysterious Cat Ring burglar in the act. Actually just after the act, because Pia wasn’t stealing anything at that moment, she was leaving the building after stealing cat jewelry and secreting it in an old violin case.
EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT – CLOSE-UP ON VIOLIN CASE, THEN A SHOT OF THE ALLEY – THEN THE STREET WITH FOGGY STREETLIGHTS AND CRICKETS
Pia walks cat-like from the alley to the street and hails a cab. Roscoe waits until the first cab is almost out of sight and then hails another cab.
ROSCOE: “Tail that hack, Jasper. That’s the infamous cat jewelry burglar Pia Flemm, and she’s on her way to the headquarters of the infamous Cat Ring, headed by the infamous Cat Ring leader and former British Secret Service Operative, Sir Richard Yogurt.”
CABBIE #2: “Golly, mister! This is just like in the movies! That kitten with the nice gams…was she packing a case of lettuce and ice? Is that a gat there in your trench coat? Are you the famous shamus Roscoe Gaff? Because you look just like him in the dim and foggy black and white lighting!”
ROSCOE: “Right the first time, hombre! Now, nix on the chin chatter and dust out. There’s a c-note in this for you if you don’t lose that crate!
EXT. NIGHT – THE CAB SPEEDS AWAY
EXT. NIGHT – CAT RING HQ
The first cab arrives, and Pia makes her way from the cab to the front door of a shabby two-story building. The first floor is a hash house called “The Hash House”. As she disappears inside the door and up the side stairs to the second floor, the second cab rounds the corner.
ROSCOE: “Jam it right here, amigo, and keep the lights off and the meter running!”
Roscoe calmly walks in to the hash house and drops a dime in the blower.
INT. – NIGHT – COPPER HEADQUARTERS
THE BLOWER RINGS
SGT. SAUL GOODE: “Hello, Copper Headquarters, Sgt. Goode speaking, how may I assist you on this dark and foggy evening?”
ROSCOE (on the blower): “Yeah, Sarge, this is Gaff. I tailed the infamous Cat Ring thief Pia Flemm to that hinky clip joint over on Second Avenue called The Hash House. She’s up on the second floor with the cat jewelry she just glommed from the Senator Sturmond Drang building. I’m going up there right now to bust this con and you can be here for the showdown. Bring your bracelets and a couple of flatfoots for the pinch and you’ll be jake with the captain. Or maybe flatfeets.”
Roscoe light-foots it up the stairs, pulls his heater out, and opens the door to the Cat Ring headquarters.
ROSCOE: “Cheese it right there, Sir Richard. You too, Pia. Flippers up and grab some air or you’ll catch a bad case of lead poisoning. The Cat Ring is done, and you’re both gonna do the jump at the Big House.
“And the funny thing is that you clipped the imaginary cheap stuff. You should have gone to Steel Dragon Jewelry to find your real cat jewelry. It’s all high quality stainless steel, set with hand-painted glass eyes. It’s all custom stuff, and you can’t find it anywhere else. And it is not only real, it is very affordable!”
SIR RICHARD YOGURT: “Curse you, Roscoe Gaff. I sincerely wish you would have informed us of our imaginary errors prior to the imaginary criminal behavior we have recently engaged in. Everything would have worked out famously and we would have completely avoided this unpleasant journey into a dark yet totally imaginary life of crime by simply visiting Steel Dragon Jewelry.”
SGT. GOODE ARRIVES
SGT. GOODE: “That’s right, Yogurt. But since this is all fantasy, you can start over. I found some unique and beautiful cat jewelry at steeldragonjewely.com, and you can too. Maybe something for your moll, Pia, would be in order after the imaginary trouble you’ve put her through.”
PIA: “Oh, I couldn’t agree with you more, Sergeant! Let’s all start over and put these grim and unpleasant mental images behind us. I want to be a fairy princess. Can I be a fairy princess, please?”
SGT. GOODE: “Sure, doll, whatever you want. You can be a clown made of candy just like Sheldon as far as I’m concerned.”
SIR RICHARD YOGURT: “And me, good sir? Supposing I wish to be a famous and highly renowned knight, skilled with both broadsword and dirk? And my name could be Sir Dirk Thrust? Would that be at all possible, I wonder?”
SGT. GOODE: “Dirk Thrust? Are you…OK, yeah, sure, Sir Dirk. Just don’t kill any dragons. Dragons are good.”
ROSCOE: “Right, then it’s all settled. Everyone can grab a cup of joe and a donut downstairs, and we’ll all be on our way. I’ve got some cases to address, and the Sergeant here is overdue for his nap. I’m really pleased this all turned out so well, thanks to Steel Dragon Jewelry.”
Not too shabby for a first effort, wouldn’t you agree? What’s so hard about writing a screenplay? Seems to me it’s pretty simple if you follow the rules and make sure you get the quotation marks right.
Excuse me while I get this off to the WGA.
By the way, if you’re and aspiring screenwriter like moi, these WGA tiny mammals are the way to protect your valuable assets from nefarious foreign film producers. (If you’re a nefarious foreign film producer, email me right away, I believe I have a winner.)