Hello once again, my fox ring loving little mammal friends! It’s another edition of the Smudge Report, with me, Smudge the Dragon!
I know that many of you are fox lovers, and we have not forgotten you! Our awesome collection of animal eye jewelry wouldn’t be complete without some unique custom designed rings featuring hand painted glass fox eyes.
Our Fox Ring Collection is Truly Unique
While others offer you lame little sculptures of a fox, probably mass produced in some sweaty factory thousands of miles away, we offer something different – a ring with a glass fox eye.
I’m supposed to go on and on about how you won’t find our fox eye jewelry anywhere else (because we designed it and we make it), but I hope you’ll forgive me for briefly changing the subject.
I was thinking recently about growing up.
Back when I was just a tiny and immature imaginary dragon, there were adults that warned me about certain very dangerous things.
But, as time went by and I grew older, all these things turned out to be less dangerous than I had originally assumed. Some say I’ve been lucky.
The Bad News
These warnings included:
- Poking My Eye Out
This was Number Two on my list of scary things. I can’t tell you how many pencils, pieces of plastic picnic cutlery, twigs, and other menacing sticklike items managed to avoid my eyes by pure chance. Looking back on it, (which is something I can do since I didn’t poke my eye out), I see that the cataclysmic potential of chopsticks was significantly less than I had originally envisioned.
- Sticking My Head Out of the Window of a Moving Vehicle
Originally, I made sure I avoided this because I was told repeatedly I could get my head chopped off. By what? The rear view mirror of a parked car? Rain? Then one day I noticed that our two pet dogs, Nuck and Futz, stuck their heads out of the window all the time. Not only that, they looked like they enjoyed it. I decided to take it on a gradient and just stick the end of my wing out the window. Cool! Worked perfectly! After that, I stuck my head out every chance I got, and I still have my head.
- Being Sold to the Circus/Gypsies
I only got told this once, by my uncle Frank, and to be frank, he’s an idiot. But it did cause me some trepidation at the time. Thankfully, there aren’t that many circuses around anymore, unless you live in Las Vegas, and if you live in Las Vegas, being sold to the circus probably isn’t at the top of your list of potentially dangerous events. Even if I had been sold to the circus, I doubt they could have restrained me from escaping, and who knows, it might have been fun. But I didn’t look that far ahead back when I was a youngster.
And although I was never threatened with capture and incarceration by gypsies, I think it’s probably just a slant on the circus threat. In point of fact, I probably wouldn’t have minded being sold to the gypsies. Rumor has it that they are, as a group, less nefarious than other groups of small mammals, like politicians and psychiatrists.
- Talking to Strange Adults
In retrospect, this one turned out to be helpful. I concluded very early in life that all adults were strange. Well, let me put that in a different way – all adults seemed to be lunatics. I avoided talking to any of them for any reason whatsoever, and here I am, alive! Incidentally, my opinion of adults hasn’t changed much, Bear Grylls and present company excepted.
- Going in the Water Right After You Eat
I was warned about this on numerous occasions. Curiously, these occasions coincided with every time I was about to enter a body of water of any kind… the one exception being a bathtub.
No mention of getting debilitating and life-threatening cramps in the bathtub; but rivers, lakes, swimming pools, and especially the beach were right up there at the top of the Deadly After Eating Locations.
The oddest part of it is that I really believed it, mainly because the warning came from my mom, and I had the idea back then that she knew everything. Turns out she didn’t, but I don’t hold it against her.
The truth is that if you’re about to start the gold medal freestyle race at the Olympics, you don’t want to snarf down six or eight bearclaws and a quart of chocolate milk right before, but otherwise you should be fine. At least in theory.
- Stepping into Quicksand
If you were wondering what was Number One on the Be On The Lookout List, this is it. Everything else pales in comparison to the overwhelming peril of quicksand. In my younger days, there was no devastating fear, no horrifying dread, no chilling beads-of-sweat distress that even came close to the devastating fear of becoming hopelessly mired in quicksand. Was it a threat, or simply a menace?
Pull on a handy vine? Nope, the vine will break. If you even try to move, you sink faster. You’re doomed, no question about it. It’s best to just resign yourself to the fact that you’ll be breathing sand in about two minutes. If you don’t move a muscle.
The Good News
Turns out that it’s a lot more dangerous to fall into a grain silo than it is to fall into some quicksand, but that probably won’t keep the filmmakers from promoting Death By Quicksand, because a pile of wet sand fits into a screenplay’s budget much better than a grain silo full of whatever is in grain silos. And it’s less hassle for the stuntmammal.
Of course, now that I’m older, those juvenile fears have been replaced by more mature and sensible fears, such as falling and not being able to get up; anti-depressants that cause rectal bleeding and homicidal mania, brain hemorrhages, house break-ins every ten seconds (but since I live in a cave, that’s not a real problem), politicians who want to “help” me, and misplacing the TV remote, (which I don’t do but my relatives do do).
One thing I can say: A joke a day keeps the fear away.
Corollary: Don’t believe everything you are told.
Corollary: Stay away from small mammals who never laugh.
The Even Better News
Our jewelry is really cool. Your little mammal friends will so jealous! If you love foxes, order a fox ring right now! It will probably make you very happy!